All That We Are
by skyguyalltheway
Summary: Anakin finds Obi-Wan in his original Saturday-night go-to area, the bar. But when Obi-Wan seems more depressed than usual, will Anakin be able to help him escape his nightmares? Slash.


All That We Are

Author: skyguyalltheway

Pairings: Obi/Qui, Obi/Ani

Rating: PG-13

Summary: Anakin finds Obi-Wan in his original Saturday-night go-to area, the bar. But when Obi-Wan seems more depressed than usual, will Anakin be able to help him escape his nightmares?

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ANAKIN POV:

I quietly open the door to my and Obi-Wan's apartment. Classes ran late (as they usually do when Master Windu gives those damn speeches), and now is usually the time that my master is in deep meditation. I would hate to disturb Obi-Wan. He doesn't like that very much, as I've learned the hard way.

As I throw my robe onto the couch, I check through our bond to see if he is, in fact, meditating. What I find disturbs me.

Obi-Wan is missing from our apartment.

Now, I know it shouldn't bother me, because a Jedi master should be able to go off and get drunk with whoever he damn well pleases. But the thing is, it does bother me. I know, I know. Obi-Wan's life is none of my business.

But at the same time it is.

More than once I have found myself driving off to some bar to collect my too-drunk master, make sure no one at the temple knows that we were there, and then to deal with Obi-Wan's hangover the following day. Being a padawan is hard.

It's forbidden, you know. Jedi are not allowed to love, to become attached. Physical attraction is allowed. Even the Jedi can't control all of their needs. At first, I figured that was what I felt of my master. Physical attraction.

Obi-Wan Kenobi is beautiful, after all.

But after a while I realized that was not what I am feeling. I am in love with my Master. Which is completely against the Jedi Code.

Not that I necessarily care, but I know that Obi-Wan does.

I wish we were more, but we're not. Master and Padawan; this is all that we are.

So for now I will have to keep my mouth shut and my shields up, and head off to find my drunk master.

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OBI-WAN POV

Perhaps asking for the strongest thing here was a mistake. I've probably taken fifteen shots without even checking to see what it was.

Oops.

Perhaps I should care more, but I really don't. Like I said before "oops".

Anakin will definitely get me this time. I always find myself at home in my bed after a day like this. I know my padawan will come and get me, but I also know that he hates doing so. Poor boy. I never had to do anything like this for Qui-Gon.

Qui-Gon.

I groan as the reason I'm here pops back into my head. I signal to the bartender who brings me another drink. I swallow it quickly and sit to wallow in self-pity. So uncivilized.

A wave of red passes in front of me and I know that I'm out. The red haze instantly brings me back to that day on Naboo.

I'm once again trapped behind a red shield, watching as my master fights the Sith Lord.

Only this time it isn't my master.

I gasp as I realize that it's Anakin fighting the creature. I scream as the red blade passes through my padawan's middle.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

ANAKIN POV

I trace my master's Force trail to a bar well known on Coruscant. Most of the reason it's well known is because you can get blind-stinking-drunk for a cheap price. I groan, knowing what I must face when I find my master. He will be either unconscious or close to it when I find him. He will probably start to wake up on the way back to our quarters, maybe even decide to rid his body of the booze during the trip, as he's done a few times; either by leaning over the side and angering some innocent citizen, or by just puking all over the speeder. I prefer the first option, honestly. Do you know how hard it is to clean Alderaanian leather?

I walk into the bar, immediately pick up several "A Jedi walks into a bar" jokes, and hurry to the counter to find the man who is supposed to be a role model for me. He is, most of the time, but sometimes it seems like I'm the responsible adult and he is the young adolescent.

I find him laying hunched over the counter, head pillowed in his arms, sleeping. I place a hand on his shoulder and call his name.

Nothing.

I spot the bartender, who is cleaning out a glass, and call him over. "What exactly did you give this man?"

"Who? Obi-Wan?" I wince as he says the name. Great, now all of Coruscant will know that the great Jedi Knight, Obi-Wan Kenobi, was found passed out at a bar. He smiles knowingly. "Hey, don't worry kid. I've known Obi for a while now." The man looks into the distance as if counting something, then he nods. "Yep, I've probably known him seven years or so."

"Seven? Is that when he started coming here?"

The bartender looks me straight in the eyes. "Let me guess, you're that padawan of his... Ani-something?"

"Anakin," I correct. Seven years... This couldn't have anything to do with Qui-Gon's death, could it? Or the responsibility of a padawan?

"Ah. He's mentioned you."

I find myself surprised, which doesn't happen very often."He talks about me?"

He nods. "Quite a lot, actually. Don't worry about it, kid. He speaks highly of you." He chuckled. "Especially when he's drunk. Then he speaks very highly of you."

Still trying to process this new information, I decide to change the subject. "What's your name, anyway?"

"Scar." He answers me, lifting his bangs from his face to show a deep scar running across his forehead.

"Well, Scar, you never answered my first question." I lean over the counter, making sure not to knock my master off his stool. "What did you give him."

Scar smiles wickedly again. "I gave him exactly what he asked for: our strongest stuff."

I make a gesture with my hand. "Which is?"

He shrugs. "Something like Everclear. Stronger, I think. Those pirates make their liquor strong."

I turn back to my poor master, who is obviously in the middle of a dream judged by the way he keeps twitching. At least, I hope he's dreaming.

"Anakin," he moans, sounding pretty anguished.

"Obi-Wan?" I ask, shaking him softly.

Scar has returned to cleaning dishes, but he glances up at me. "I doubt he can hear you, kid. You'd probably be better off yelling."

So I do.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

OBI-WAN POV

"Anakin!" I shout as he falls. The red curtain separating me from my injured padawan raises and I attack the monster. I am using attacks I know are very un-Jedi like. Most of them would probably have Yoda and Mace pointing at me and screaming "Sith". I vaguely remember teachings from Qui-Gon, which instantly disappear as I remember who caused my beloved master's death.

"I loved him!" I scream as I charge at the demon, lightsaber raised above my head. I fight with swiftness and agility, much as I had the first time, only this time I don't slip. "But you killed him. You killed my master." This time it is the Sith Lord dangling precariously off the ledge instead of me. "You will not take my second love away from me." I spit at him before raising him up with the Force and slicing him cleanly in half. He falls into the abyss.

I run to my padawan and cradle his head in my lap, wiping the sweat from his face. "Oh, Anakin. My poor Anakin."

The boy opens his mouth, but I can tell that the words I hear next are coming from farther away than the dying body in my arms.

"Obi-Wan." The name comes out garbled and fuzzy. "Obi-Wan? Can you hear me?"

I open my eyes and groan, half out of relief, and half because of the ringing in my ears. Anakin is standing next to me. And we're... Still in the wretched bar.

Anakin stands back with his hands on his hips. "What were you thinking?"

"I was thinking that I wanted to get drunk." I mutter. I place my head back onto my arms.

"Oh no, you don't." My padawan says plainly. He grabs me by the arm and helps me out of the bar. We climb into his speeder and ride in silence for a while. Silence, that is, until my stomach decides to rid itself of liquor all over Anakin's speeder. I puke and the grimace on Anakin's face is very visible in the well lighted street of Coruscant.

"Sorry." I murmur. Everything is fuzzy, but I can tell that the effects of the liquor are wearing off.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

ANAKIN POV

I wince as my master throws up the evidence of his drinking spree. All. Over. My. Speeder.

He mumbles something, I think it was an apology, and then looks away from me. Whatever it was, the liquor seems to be wearing off oddly fast. I'm still pretty sure that he will have one hell of a hangover tomorrow. Hopefully we won't have to meet with the council.

I glance at him. "Why'd you do it, Master?"

He glares at me. "What do you mean, why?"

I shrug. "I don't know. I just thought that you were... Done with this. I haven't had to come find you for a while. I thought that you were better than this."

Obi-Wan looks away from me again. I realize that my poor, drunken master is near tears. I instantly regret what I had said, though I'm still not sure why he chose today to go back to getting drunk. "Master, I'm sorry."

He shakes his head and smiles wearily at me. "You don't remember, do you?" I start to answer, but he cuts me off. "Of course you don't. You were only nine, after all."

Oh shit. It can't be...

I nearly crash into a building (which is pretty odd for me to do) as I realize what day it is, the error in my taking care of Obi-Wan.

This was the fateful day on Naboo. This was the day that Qui-Gon died. "Master, I'm so sorry. I forgot."

"Of course you did." Obi-Wan says. "I force persuaded you in your sleep."

"To forget what day it is?"

He shrugs and smiles. "Only temporarily. Long enough for me to get away to the bar and get drunk enough to last the night." He shakes his head. "Which didn't seem to work very well."

"I didn't think you could Force persuade Jedi..." I start. "And wouldn't I have to be awake?"

Obi-Wan shrugs again. I try to remember my lessons- there must've been something. I swear that I once heard that you can't use the Force to confuse Jedi. I recall my morning: the odd-tasting breakfast Obi-Wan had laid out for me, forgetting which class I had to go to, forgetting where the class was, my nasty headache, barely being able to hold my breakfast down...

I pull the speeder to an abrupt stop in the Temple's docking bay. I stare open-mouthed at my master. "Did you DRUG me, Master?"

He hesitates for a moment as if he is about to lie, but then shrugs. "Only a little. Not enough to hurt you or anything."

"Master!" He stumbles out of the speeder and I realize that he still is drunk. I doubt even Obi-Wan would admit to drugging someone without the effects of alcohol still working in his system.

"Shit," he mutters before collapsing on the landing deck. I quickly pick him up (after making sure he isn't dead) and rush off to our apartment before some other Jedi sees my unconscious master.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

OBI-WAN POV

Ah, so that drink worked after all. Looks like my body didn't empty all of its contents. Weird how that worked though. I swear I was drunk at the bar, I mean, I was out pretty fast. But then I was fine.

Now I am blissfully drunk.

It's like I'm floating, really. I am aware that Anakin is bringing me through the halls of the Temple, aware that his anger is rising, as well as something else. Concern.

Ah, so my padawan is concerned for me.

Although, I'm not really sure if this is a dream. It probably is. What I feel rolling off Anakin isn't only concern, but envy, annoyance, fear.

Love.

Oh. I'm dreaming alright. In your dreams, old man. Anakin is way too young to love you. He's only 16, you're 32. Think about it. Master and padawan, that's all that we are. All that we'll ever be.

I try to connect with Anakin through the Force, but this just causes a ringing to fill my ears. Then, the world turns white.

I wake up in the Hall of a Thousand Fountains. Without being told, I know that I am to meet Anakin in the council meeting room. I walk there straight away.

On the way there, I see friends and colleagues, dead and alive. Am I still dreaming?

When I get to the council room, I open the door and step in. The door closes behind me. Everything is dark.

Suddenly, I am on Naboo again, behind the red shield. Watching the creature fighting not Qui-Gon, but Anakin.

Once again I see my padawan fall to the ground. I whip out my lightsaber. "Enough." I growl.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

ANAKIN POV

I somehow managed to get Obi-Wan to our apartment without anyone noticing. He was muttering in his sleep, something about dead Jedi? Who knows.

I lay him down gently on the couch. I jump back as he tenses, still asleep, and growls. "Enough."

"Obi-Wan?" I ask cautiously, noticing my Master's uneasiness. He lays still but keeps sleep-talking.

"You will not kill him too, devil." He says. What in Sith's hell is he talking about?

I decide to play along.

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OBI-WAN POV

The tattooed monster and I are circling each other now. "You will not kill him, too, devil." I say as I glance at Anakin's body. This is all too real, my intoxicated brain tells me. You aren't dreaming.

"Who won't I kill?" The Sith asks. I decide he must be mocking me.

"My apprentice. You will not kill him as you killed my master."

"And why not? You don't seem to care about him."

I growl. "Of course I care about him. He's my padawan."

"And that's it?"

"He's like a brother to me." I say with a gulp.

He raises an eyebrow. Well, I guess he doesn't have eyebrows, but if did, one of them would be raised. "So you drugged him?"

Does this damn creature know everything about me? "I needed to forget."

"To forget what? Qui-Gon? The one I killed?" He's teasing now, trying to agitate me. "Tell me. Why do you care so much? Must've been a relief to finally be a Jedi Knight."

I shake my head, I know tears are falling down my face now. "No." I choke out. "I couldn't... He was... I..." I look up at the devil before me. "I loved him." I finish quietly.

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ANAKIN POV

"I loved him." My brain turns into pudding when Obi-Wan says those words. I always figured that there was something between Obi-Wan and his former master, but never knew what. He's sleeping, though, maybe he doesn't even mean it.

"You did?" I manage.

He's quiet for a moment, and I wish I knew what he was thinking. I know that in his dream he is fighting the Sith that killed Qui-Gon. I've gathered enough of Obi-Wan's thoughts to know that Qui-Gon has been substituted with me.

But why?

Obi-Wan suddenly shouts. "You killed both of them!" His body starts to lash out and I need to hold him down with most of my weight just to keep him from attacking me. He keeps shouting, "It wasn't enough to kill my first love, was it? You took Qui-Gon away from me, why do you need to torment me further?"

I manage to tap into my Master's mind, and I can see him fighting the monster, I can hear his and the devil's words.

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OBI-WAN POV

I lunge at the creature. "You took Qui-Gon away from me, why do you need to torment me further?" I shriek.

"I want to make your life miserable. I want you to regret the day you were born." The words are cold, lifeless. "That meens taking everyone you love away."

"Qui-Gon and Anakin have nothing to do with me!" I shout at him, barely missing a blow to his shoulder. "I couldn't love my master, it wasn't acceptable." The tears are streaming down my face as I spot the slow rising of my padawan's chest. "And I can't love Anakin."

"But you do?" The creature's voice gains a little more curiosity, making him seem less like a monster.

"Yes." I choke out. "But you killed him, so why does it matter?" I fling myself at him again, wishing this fight would just be over so that I could go save my padawan's life.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

ANAKIN POV

I have to pull myself out of Obi-Wan's dream, it's all too much to bear. I look down at the real Obi-Wan, the one lying asleep on the couch.

My master is sweating now, his body still moving about as though in battle. His confessions of love ring through my ears. But the thing is, they weren't meant for my ears. This needs to stop. Now.

"Obi-Wan, you need to stop." I say firmly. He doesn't. I shake him and yell in his ear. "Dammit Obi-Wan, you're dreaming, got that?"

He keeps writhing under me. What am I supposed to do? He obviously won't stop. I try to apply a little bit of the Force to certain areas of his mind, trying to settle him into a state where I can wake him up from. I try shaking him from his nightmare as he has done to me countless times. I try shouting. None of it works, and worse, I'm almost certain that all of the Temple is awake by now.

Obi-Wan is still going off about how he loved Qui-Gon.

How he loves me.

Just imagine how the little green troll would react if he heard this.

"Forbidden, attachments are. Release feelings into the Force, you must."

Suddenly, my master stops moving and I know what has happened; he has defeated the Sith Lord. I must be dead in his dream, perhaps he's talking to me. He'll wake up soon.

But after a few minutes, I know he's not going to wake up by himself. I start to feel his Force-signature slowly fading.

What the hell is he doing now?

As much as I don't like the feeling of invading my master's privacy, I know what I need to do.

I force myself back into Obi-Wan's dream.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

OBI-WAN POV

I have defeated the wretched creature. He's gone. Again.

But the whole in my heart isn't gone.

I'm now hunched over my padawan, my hand wiping the sweat from his brow.

"This wasn't supposed to happen." I murmur. "You weren't supposed to die, Anakin."

The boy's handsome features are fading slightly. I run a hand over his cheek. "Stay with me, padawan." But I know that he can't. He dies just as my master did; without ever knowing my true feelings for him.

I'm ready to die. My two true loves are gone, I couldn't save either of them. Plus, I won't really die. There's no death, right? Only the Force?

I sit calmly next to my padawan and try to push my Life Force into his cold body. I'm a few minutes into doing so when I sense another person in the room.

"Master, you need to wake up now." Anakin's voice is a little panicked and he puts his hand on my shoulder. But... Anakin is... What?

I whirl around and glare at the boy standing over me as though he isn't laying crumpled in my arms. I gesture down to his dead body. "I think it is you that needs to wake up, Anakin." I say it firmly but I know the tear streaks are still visible on my face.

He chuckles. "Obi-Wan, I'm not dead." He offers a hand and I take it. He helps me up. "You need to wake up, Master. You are sleeping, dreaming. I'm fine. It's only a dream."

"A dream," I murmur. Then I nod and move a little closer to Anakin. I put a hand on each side of his face and draw his face to mine. Our lips meet in a light kiss. After we part, I answer his questioning glance. "A dream." I repeat.

〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰〰

ANAKIN POV

I wake up with a start. Obi-Wan just... he just...

He doesn't know. He thinks that it was a dream.

I look down at my master, who's still glistening with sweat. Let's keep it that way.

Not the sweat thing, I tell myself quickly. Let's just keep him in the dark about the whole kiss.

I shake him gently. "Master?"

He groans and turns over, dislodging me, who was still holding him down in case he decided to fight any more Sith in his sleep.

I fall to the ground and hit my head on the coffee table. I grunt as my head and the wood make contact, and the noise seems to wake Obi-Wan the rest of the way up.

"Anakin?" He asks, startled, as he sits up. His hangover immediately overpowers his concern for me and he clutches his head.

"I'm fine, Master." I say, rubbing the spot on my head where a lump will undoubtedly form later. I see him wince visibly. "Although you don't seem to be, I'll be right back."

"Anakin, you don't have to-"

I don't hear the rest of his protest because I am already in the kitchen. I start boiling water on the stove (a piece of equipment that Obi-Wan would never let me near if he wasn't experiencing a terrible hangover) and find his favorite tea.

Once the tea is done, I bring it out to my master who has managed to sit up. He takes the cup from me. "Thank you padawan, you're too good to me." I sit in the chair close to the couch as he takes a sip. Then he pauses. "Anakin, you touched the stove, didn't you?"

I smile back at him and shrug as he glares at me.

He seems to be thinking about something, as though he's trying to figure something out. The effort seems to worsen his headache, though, because he gives up and rubs his temple again.

"Is there something you need to ask, Master?" I offer lightly.

He looks up at me, a little bit of worry in his gaze. "Anakin, why were you on top of me?"

I chuckle. "Well, I guess it was out of self defense." I dismiss his bewilderment with a wave of my hand. "You seemed to think that you should be attacking me, so I had to hold you down for a good couple of hours."

He gasps, then groans, cradling his head in his hand. "Oh, padawan. I'm sorry."

I shrug. "Oh no. It's fine."

Obi-Wan seems to look right through me. "There's something you aren't telling me." He states rather than asks.

"I should probably get you something for that headache." I say hurriedly, getting up from my spot and rushing to the refresher. I grab the correct meds and bring them out to my love.

Er, Obi-Wan. I bring them out to Obi-Wan.

He takes them from me and swallows them, watching me the whole while as if this were somehow my fault. "What?" I ask impatiently.

"I already told you "what", Anakin. There's something that you aren't telling me, and you need to tell me." He pauses, obviously waiting for an answer, but I don't have one. "What else was I doing in my sleep?"

"You were... Talking." I admit, sinking into my chair.

He looks terrified. "I was talking?"

"Yelling, really."

"Yelling?"

"You know, maybe Master Tachi is right. You do seem to repeat things an awful lot." I say, trying to change the subject, as well as lighten the mood.

"What was I saying?" He asks, his blue-grey gaze burning through my soul.

I lick my lips nervously. "Well... You were yelling a lot about the Sith who killed Qui-Gon."

"And?"

"And then you started thrashing about, I figured that you were attacking. You kept yelling and I was just trying to hold you down."

Obi-Wan looks at me expectantly. "Is that all?"

"Well..." I trail off awkwardly, feeling once again like a nine-year-old boy who never knew how to admit something.

"Anakin, what exactly happened?"

I sigh deeply and tell him. "Well, on the way up to the apartment, you were muttering about dead Jedi. When I set you on the couch, that was when you started yelling and thrashing. Then you were talking about how much you loved Qui-Gon. And how much you love... Me." I finish quietly, looking away.

"Anakin, I-" Obi-Wan looks completely horrified.

I look up into his eyes and cut him off. "Then a horrible thing happened, Obi-Wan. You stopped moving. I knew that you had given up life, you thought that you were awake." I move so that I am kneeling in front of him. "I couldn't just leave you to die, Master. So I went into your dream. You were talking to me." Somehow, in the midst of this situation, I manage to chuckle. "You thought I was really dead. So I came up behind you and had to get it through your head that you were sleeping."

Obi-Wan looks uncomfortable and embarrassed. He looks away, wincing. "Anakin, stop it."

I shake my head and lift a hand to his chin, forcing him to look at me. "But Master, this is my favorite part." I say with a slight smile. "Then, you put your hands on my cheeks like this," I act out exactly what he did with my own hands on the sides of his face. I continue much more quietly, "Then you pulled me closer, and you kissed me like this." Our lips meet and it is more exhilarating than any dream imaginable. I pull away slowly.

"Anakin," he whispers. "I don't know what to say."

"Just say that you love me." I suggest nervously. "If you do of course." I pull away. "No. It was probably just the alcohol talking. I'm sorry, Master. I-"

"No, Anakin. It was true. I loved Qui-Gon Jinn." Obi-Wan looks pained. He takes one of my hands in his. "And I... love Anakin Skywalker."

I'm sure that I'm smiling like an idiot, but that doesn't matter anymore. "I love you too, Obi-Wan."

Obi-Wan smiles but it's a sad smile. He looks away from me, shaking his head. "Anakin, it isn't that simple."

"And why not? You do love me, don't you?"

"Yes, of course. But the council-"

"Screw the council!" I exclaim, standing up to emphasize my point. "What right does the council have to take away all emotion?"

Obi-Wan just shakes his head again. Whether because of he's trying to clear his head or as a gesture, I don't know. What I do know was that he thinks that I don't see the big picture.

"Explain it to me, Master." I say, putting special emphasis on the word "master" so that Obi-Wan knows he has to explain. It is required for a Master to answer any of his padawan's questions, after all.

"Anakin, what if the council finds out?" He looks up at me wearily.

"I would leave the Jedi Order for you." I say surely. "But they would never find out."

Obi-Wan stands up. "You're right. They will never find out." He caresses my cheek with his thumb for a moment, then drops his arm. He takes a shaky breath before continuing. "They will never find out because there won't be anything to find out." He starts heading towards his room, obviously ready to end the conversation.

I gape at him in horror. "Master, you can't-"

He pauses. "No, Anakin. I know I can't control your emotions. Nor can I control mine at times. But I can control what happens between us. We can't love each other. You're 16, I'm 32, do you not see any problem in that?"

"But I love you." I whimper.

"I know." He says, turning back to look at me. "And I you. But we can't do this. Thank you for taking care of me last night, padawan. Now I expect you to go to your classes and forget about this whole deal. I'm your master, you're my padawan. That's all that we are." He turns and heads into his room.

"Yes, Master." I mutter, although he's already out of earshot. Obi-Wan obviously forgot that today was Saturday, and therefore I don't have classes. "That's all that we are."


End file.
